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I’ve had an amazing response to my recent blog about The Modern (Insecure) Man.  I received a number of very interesting conversations on the topic, but I’d like to highlight an e-mail that was sent to me by one of my buddies, and my subsequent response.  This should clarify a number of points about the last entry.

hey ben,

so i know who these guys are, but i haven’t interacted with them since high school gym class.  i worry more and would rant more about the hipster kids and their gutless ironic statements.  i suppose we worry most about the people we almost are, or could be lumped in with.  i obviously don’t think you’re one of these guys or even close (examining assumptions puts you a mile ahead of these un-self-aware goofballs).

but can we really fault people for their insecurities or fragile egos?  i think your problem is more the sideways expression of insecurity than the doubt itself.  for me despite my objectively good qualities, i still for whatever reason have a lot of insecurity.  i derive a lot of self-worth from having a girlfriend that i respect who likes me for my character.  that’s a validation for me, and i can know that at least i’m above this girl’s benchmark and i must be an ok guy if she’d date me.  [on a side note, this is why it's so crushing for me when an ex-girlfriend goes off and dates some idiot/asshole b/c it invalidates my she dated me so i must be a good guy logic.]

so, maybe we’re being too hard on these guys.  if you were an idiot and couldn’t fix that, wouldn’t you put a lot of stock into physical appearance and ability to get a woman?  i know it can be hurtful to the woman, but she has agency and should know well enough to not date these guys if she wants to be loved for who she is rather than the status she bestows.  i don’t know, just sayin.

take care,

friend of ben

Friend of Ben,

I always appreciate a well-thought out critique.  I don’t know that I was worrying so much about the people that we almost are, but moreso the people that we’re surrounded by/associate with.  The Northeast definitely has a greater percentage of ironic hipsters and Texas definitely has more meatheads, per my empirical observations.

I’m not sure what you mean by “the sideways expression of insecurity than the doubt itself.”  If I’m positing correctly, you are saying that my issue is less with people who are insecure, and more to do about people who manifest it in negative ways.  If this is what you meant, then you’ve hit the nail on the head.  Insecurity is a crutch, and one that everyone has (yes, even self-assured asshole Ben Taylor has his insecurities – I probably wouldn’t write if they didn’t exist).  I also validate some of my self-worth from relationships (perhaps not as much as you, or others, but certainly a great deal) – but this self-worth is not based on being above the veritable benchmark of a woman, but instead knowing that someone else is just as interested in my happiness as I am theirs.  A respect thing more than a value thing – but this isn’t different enough from your argument to really say that I don’t derive self-worth and you do (we both do).

Women certainly do have the faculties to recognize an idiot and as you so well put it, she “should know well enough to not date these guys if she wants to be loved for who she is rather than the status she bestows.”  You are right.  Women are not immune to criticism in this scenario, but I certainly put the onus of the action on the manipulative male side.  I don’t feel that I’m being too hard on these guys, though.  An idiot man can fix the way he treats others; but he chooses not to fix himself, rather he selfishly chooses to “correct” his insecurities/flaws/idiocy through the validation and manipulation of another human being.  This is what I find flawed and repulsive.  It is one thing to work on your own self-worth in superficial ways – I hope that they can find inner peace through these exercises, but I doubt it.  It’s an entirely different animal when this form of superficial self-worth is supplemented with selfish emotional manipulation of another (and this atrocity is practiced by both men and women).

I’ll close with the reasoning that I use in a majority of things in life – that of intent.  Are you dating a woman predominantly because she is validating your character and self-worth or is that simply a positive side effect?  I would argue that your motivation is altruistic – a genuine respect for the woman that results in a boost to self-worth.

The man that I’m discussing works from effect, not from altruistic cause. He yearns for solutions to his aching psyche and self-worth and lack of affection by using those who will provide it.  It is not an action that is predicated on respect, love, admiration, and altruistic intent with the girl, but instead a knowledge that having the woman there will satisfy a good deal of their pain/issues.  This is a dangerous way to create any sort of relationship/interaction, because once that man has satisfied his desire for being needed and having attention, there is a stark absence of legitimate respect of that girl because it was not the main reason for pursuing the relationship in the first place.

It is inherently selfish to pursue a relationship for the means of satisfying a weakened mental state instead of out of respect and genuine love for the person you’re pursuing.  This kind of selfishness is what I abhor.

Then again, as you said, any woman who will run to/stay with a man who has treated them incredibly poorly in the past, cheated on them, burned them, or selfishly used them probably has their own huge set of insecurities that they need to address.  Nothing about that kind of relationship is healthy – it is codependent and frightening.

Thanks,

Ben

It all starts with a gentle brushing of shoulders. The drops of the Michelob Ultras in their hands fly from the glass and land squarely on each other’s Youth Large Ed Hardy muscle tees. One man’s flat-billed sequin covered skull hat is straightened by the other man’s manicured and glistening mane, a travesty to be certain. Both meet eye to eye, certain of how they’ll respond to this accidental encounter at Zen. “Don’t back down! This is why you go to Gold’s Gym… for moments like this,” Rob reinforces himself. Brett knows better. Brett has been here before, and knows not to waste time. He has to act now, before Rob can get to him. Swiftly, and with conviction, Brett throws his hands to his shirt, pulls it out threateningly, and proclaims…

… “What the fuck, bro?”

Is this anecdote a bit extreme?  Certainly.  Does it still describe significant aspects of the modern man?  Absolutely.

I don’t mean to diminish the point I’m going to make in this entry.  I want to bring to light some disturbing trends within my gender in common society today – truths that are not only persistently abundant, but are incredibly disconcerting.  I’ve long been an avid opponent of superficiality.  Granted – I take care of myself.  I, for all intensive purposes, have been anointed a metrosexual man in many aspects of my own hygiene and style.  I like to look good.  I wish I could wear a skinny tie as well as David Beckham or Joel McHale.  Damnit, I’d be remiss if I thought my own take on my faux hawk wasn’t decent looking.  It screams douche.  It’s hard not to walk that line, but I try every single day.

No – this entry is not about the man who takes care of himself.  Strip away my clothes, my hair, white teeth, trimmed and clean nails, cleanly shaven face – and I’m the same person.  My self worth is not derived from my external appearance or perception from others.  I like myself (go read the prior entry).  I’ve got a lot of shit going for me and damnit, none of it has to do with how I look.  All of it has to do with who I am as a person.

This entry, my friends, is about the growing number of men who use this outwardly appearance and perception from others to measure their own self-worth.  Perception is the only important thing, and I’ll tell you why.  These men are insecure.  Deeply, emotionally, internally insecure and unsure of themselves.  When you begin making decisions that are based solely on how others will think of you – you lose both a sense of yourself and lose perspective on the things that really matter – how you treat others and your own internal self-worth and happiness.

I’m speaking to all you gym rat, Ed Hardy/sideways-billed cap-wearin’, Scripture-quotin’, women-abusin’, crotch-rocket ridin’, immature, insecure douchebags out there.  Yeah, you.  Grow a pair.  It’s one thing for you to live a completely shallow, ignorant life.  Keep others out of your idiocy.

When you bring a woman into the picture, and you are only close to her because she’s helping you define your self-worth, either through sexual conquest or through a disgusting insecure need for affection to replace your own unhappiness, then, you, my friend, have crossed the line.

Women deserve better.  Most women.  Women – pull yourself away from the muscles and the carelessness of these gentlemen and ask yourself – how would you feel if this were your son?  Would you be proud or ashamed?

I hate assholes that mistreat women.  I hate them.  I have no tolerance for cheaters, abusers, or any other form of emotionally-manipulative asshats that are not respectful and good to the women they care about.

You love a woman because of who she is.  You don’t love a woman because she fills a self-worth or affection absence in your life.

Women are not on this earth to solve your insecurities.  Go do that on your own time and leave others out of your emotional wreck of a wake.

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Hey blog, what’s up?  If you read any of my prior entries, at least those from the last few years, you’ll see that the blog has taken a turn away from general updates on life and has been replaced by entries that strive to follow a very concise structure and topic.  I had the opportunity to go back to my Xanga from years ago, and import those blogs into the annals of Benjihana.com.  While doing so, I took the time to actually sit down and read a lot of my old entries.  My writing was so incredibly focused on the thoughts of the day or the events that were transpiring in my life.  I learned so many things about myself from this. Not from intellectual analysis of a controversial topic, wrought with sources and direct quotations.  No – my inspirations were fueled from my own gut instincts.

It’s nice to be able to sit back and throw out some conversation about what is trolling about in my mind and in my heart.  I will tell you this – for whatever reason, I feel today more supremely confident and happy with where I am in life than I have in a long time.  For those of you who know me, you know that I’m always happy and confident, anyway.  This is true, but that was fueled mostly by an external acknowledgment of my skills and persona and strong personal character.  I knew that I was these things and had these traits, but I didn’t know.  Does that make sense?  You can recognize that you have positive traits and talk about them every single day, but until you internally organize that recognition into a strength and comfort, you won’t really ever truly be completely content with yourself.

For whatever reason, I had that revelation recently:

I really enjoy who I am.  I enjoy loving others and treating others well.

I enjoy singing at the top of my lungs in my car to whatever song impassions me – be it Frank Sinatra, Incubus, or Led Zeppelin.  I don’t care who sees or hears me.

I enjoy 2AM sushi trips with drinks. I enjoy naps during lunch.

I enjoy challenging myself – every single, fu$!ing day.  How can I make myself a better person today?

I enjoy quirks.  I enjoy that I count things in threes, clean tables at dinner, sleep with my pillows at a certain angle, stack books in order.  Quirks define you. Your traits that others have don’t define you; but those little things you do make you stand out.  Two-fingered dances and the Whitney yell.  Old man voices and finger snapping while talking.  Snorting while laughing.  These things rock, people.  We are perfect because we are imperfect.

I enjoy waking up in the morning and knowing that I can sit down today and just write.  I could write all day.  I could philosophize and learn about myself all day.

I enjoy that I could spend my entire life getting to know one person, much less all of my friends.

We have so much depth!  Why stop at the surface?  Dig deep.  Think about everything that defines you – an entire lifetime of experiences, education, upbringing, heartbreaks, loves, friends, betrayals, pain, happiness, joy, sorrow, confusion, mistakes, success…  Every single person you care about has all of these things – how can you ever run out of things to talk about?

It fascinates me how often people choose to not really get to know people, to understand how they think and how they feel and care and love.  Why?  Just ask someone “Why?” someday.  There is no end to knowing a person.  I was talking to someone Friday night about this very topic.  She made a great point – we’re always growing and changing, so there is no limit to getting to know someone because we’re always evolving.

I enjoy being me.  I really, truly do.  I am pretty great to people and I’m proud of that.  I am proud of the way I treat women.  I am proud of the way that I handle myself in stressful, dramatic situations.  I am proud of the way that I genuinely care about others and strive to help someone every single day.

You can call me self-absorbed all you want…

I will end the day proud of my choices that day, and content with leading an amazingly strong, focused life, and no words will ever change that confidence.